Traveling north to be with a dying friend

In March, I was privileged to be present when a dear friend of my wife (and a friend of mine also), whose name I will withhold to protect her family’s privacy, elected to take her own life in the late stage of a terminal and severely debilitating pulmonary disease. She made this decision after consulting with at least two medical doctors and two psychologists over a several month period.

Because she was a resident of Massachusetts which, at the time, did not have a medical aid in dying law on the books, she travelled to Vermont, one of only two states that have gotten rid of residency requirements for their assisted suicide program. We met our friend, her husband, her sister, another friend of hers, and a death doula in a beautiful circular cabin in a forested area outside Brattleboro. Also present were two nurses with hospice experience from the Medical Aid in Dying Comfort Project. Though the cabin was surrounded by treetops, sunlight came in on all sides. Less than a mile away, a river, heavy with snowmelt, made its way to the sea.

After summoning enough strength to speak very softly, my wife’s friend, who herself had been a nurse clinician for many years, told the circle of friends and family around her that she knew what she was doing. With touches of humor, she announced that she loved each of us and was so glad we were with her. We expressed our love in return. After several moving minutes that I will never forget, her facial expression changed, became more serious. In a slightly more assertive tone, she whispered, “Okay, I’m ready. Give it to me.”

One of the nurses gently handed her a paper cup containing a mixture of several ingredients. (I later learned that the contents of the cup would normally include at least one form of barbiturate, a sedative and a neuromuscular blocker.) With pillows propping her up on a large bed, but without assistance, she drank the contents of the cup in several sips. Between sips, her husband fed her half spoons of her favorite lemon sherbet. Within a minute, she lay back and closed her eyes. Some minutes later, one of the nurses announced that this strong and caring woman who most of us had known and loved for many years, no longer had a pulse and therefore had left her mortal form.

Even so, we all stayed with her for more than an hour, at times talking quietly amongst ourselves. A sense of kindness, commonality and release hung in the air. It was as though death and life walked hand in hand in that same room. As we left, I hoped I would have the courage to die that way.

Euthanasia in the U.S.

Have you ever made the difficult decision to end the life of a dog or cat or other animal friend? Many of us have. Reasons might include the animal’s advanced age and/or loss of bodily function, a terminal and painful illness, a major decrease in quality of life. Your veterinarian may have told you there’s nothing more they can do. If you request euthanasia, usually it’s because you want to end the suffering of the beloved creature you have shared a portion of your life with.

Mercifully, it is legal for vets to euthanize declining animals so long as they have the owner’s consent. Two quick intravenous injections are generally enough — the first to bring about sedation, the second, a heavy dose of anesthetic medicine, which results in death.

That same option is not available to humans in America. We may be afflicted with conditions like those mentioned above. We may be experiencing prolonged suffering. We may desperately wish to end our lives. But, short of putting a gun to our head or taking a massive overdose of sleeping pills, each of which may or may not work, we don’t get to make that choice.

Most major monotheistic religions condemn euthanasia. They say only God, the one who has given life, has the right to take it away, even when the person wishing to make his or her exit does not share the same faith. Even in a world where medical science keeps discovering new ways to keep us alive, often long after we wish to be alive, and even in some instances when we barely, if at all, know we are alive. Perhaps not wanting to countermand theological doctrine, state governments in America have found it politic to agree with the religious authorities.

Active euthanasia of people remains illegal in all 50 states. This means we cannot ask a doctor or nurse or loved one to administer substances that will end our lives. Well, we can ask, but if someone obliges, though motivated entirely by compassion, he or she is likely to be arrested, prosecuted for murder or manslaughter, and put in prison.

Ah, but we humans are creative and we adapt. In the last three decades, there has been some progressive movement on this front. Empathetic lawmakers in parts of America have found a way to help people end their lives under certain strict conditions. Oregon was the first state to recognize the worthiness of this need. In 1994 it passed the Death with Dignity Act which legalizes a process now known as Medical Aid in Dying (MAID).

‘Aid in dying’ comes to New York

Now, a dozen other states and the District of Columbia have followed Oregon’s lead and passed similar legislation, including New Jersey, whose MAID law passed in 2019. Pennsylvania’s legislation remains stalled in committee. New York passed its MAID bill in 2025 and it took effect on August 5. Hospitals and other medical facilities have had approximately six months to incorporate this new law and its stipulations into their business models. Some, on theological or ethical grounds, have opted out.

To be eligible for MAID in any state, one must be at least 18 years old, be mentally astute and able to make decisions, have a terminal illness likely to claim one’s life in six months or less, and, most notably, be able to administer the lethal potion to oneself. This last stipulation is where MAID differs from the active euthanasia of animals in which the veterinarian usually gives the shots.

Medical aid in dying is now authorized in 13 states and Washington, D.C.
California (2015)
Colorado (2016)
Delaware (2025)
Hawaii (2018)
Illinois (2025)
Maine (2019)
Montana (2009)
New Jersey (2019)
New Mexico (2021)
New York (2026)
Oregon (1994)
Vermont (2013)
Washington, D.C. (2016)
Washington (2008)